i'm a loser who likes the feeling of winning. it gives me an orgasmic sensation. i just realized it today. is it bad?

i'm downloading this song, pink elephants on parade, from my favorite disney motion picture scene ever. it's from dumbo, and the scene is that of dumbo and timothy accidentally getting drunk so they see this psychedellic array of hallucinations of elephants. everything elephants. elephant bubbles, polka dot elephants, elephant worms, and of course, pink elephants.

i think when i'm older, as in legally older, i'll get those visions if i get in some nasty kind of trouble.



someday, i'll make a punk/goth cover of this song. hahaha.

btw, today, i followed a certain unintended tradition of not going to school the school dayafter periodical tests. hay... hindi kasi ako ginising. tinamad na rin akong pumasok. lagot ang leeg ko sa mga tao bukas.

i asked god for signs of me having any possibility at all of passing the UPCAT and qualifying for UP as I was on my way to the Law Center.

it was very Alchemist-ic, indeed.

in front of our car, there was a green truck and in its rear were, in white, bold letters, "GOD IS GOOD". then when we were five minutes away from the gate, there was this barry manilowish song that played on the radio which went (as i remember with poor, sleepy memory), "Take my hand... Just follow me... and I'll take you anywhere you wish to be...". something of that essence.

then as i was filling up the preliminaries on the answer sheet, i saw that my identification number had all my favorite numbers which were 6, 0 and 3. another play of numbers came along as i realized my test booklet had four consecutive 7's in it (dear god, how bruce almighty-ish of you. hehe).

i finished the test not that confident, but it was actually easier than i had expected. i would've done a whore of a job if i'd studied. as i was on my way home, i was straying with my thoughts, and when i was thinking of passing UP again, in the middle of cement, gravel, metal and rubble of the street, a white butterfly whimsically flew along with the unnoticing passengers.

of course, i'm not trying to say that yes, the cosmos are definitely in favor of me qualifying. that i'll get accepted. it's just hopeful interpretations of desperation. hehe. but if it goes as it did in The Alchemist, well, it'll be an experience so otherworldly.

i am soup.

that's right. i am soup. i am cream soup. i look solid but i am actually liquid. perhaps this colloidal aspect is deceiving, but in the end, i am still soup.

this week, we have tests every day. as in every day like there's a fucking space between every day. my mind is jumbled up with oedipus and editorials and st. augustine and subs of p's and initial velocities and the hierarchy of needs and the comparison between the philippines and the bapor tabo. i want to screw them all. i want to screw the upcat the most. it's stressing everyone out.

as each day passes, and that dreaded weekend inches near, the more weary i get. i can literally read the rejection letter from up already (uso ba dito yun?).

i usually feel this jaded come third or fourth grading of every school year. but this is just the fucking first grading.

i am soup.